My Mother, My Friend?

For a long time, I thought I hated my mother. I really wanted to love her and to feel she loved me. But I didn’t think that would ever be possible.

I kept waiting for my mother to change. I also thought that going off to college might help. At least we wouldn’t have to deal with each other every day. Deep down, though, I knew these weren’t the answers.

So I made up my mind to improve our relationship right then and there. It dawned on me that maybe my mother wasn’t the only one who needed to change. Maybe I needed to be different.

I didn’t think my mom appreciated me or the good things I was doing. I thought she saw her children as bad kids, even though we weren’t doing anything very wrong. It just didn’t seem like we’d ever be good enough to please her. If this was true, what could I do?

I read this: “A mother’s affection cannot be weaned from her child, because the mother-love includes purity and constancy, both of which are immortal. Therefore maternal affection lives on under whatever difficulties” (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, p. 60). The ideal that a mother’s love is constant gave me hope. It meant to me that my mom’s love would always be there … whether I could see it or not. It was a big relief to know that my mom’s love would live, “under whatever difficulties.”

Maybe my mother would love me forever; no matter what I did, but we still weren’t getting along! Something more had to happen. So I tried to think differently. I decided to stop taking things personally. When something she did hurt my feelings, I tried to see that she was still doing it because she loved me. This helped a little, but lots of times I still felt upset.

Our relationship hadn’t improved very much by the time I went to college. In a way, things were even worse because now, in addition to being mad at my mother, I was also mad at myself because I was still thinking badly about her.

Then, one evening, there was a talk that helped a lot. It was about loving other people. The speaker told about how she’d dealt with a man who’d been harassing her day after day. She felt that God had made everyone in His likeness—no exceptions. But she didn’t know how she could see this man in that way.

At one point, she felt God saying to look this man in the eyes. When she put her whole heart into doing this, she found something that shocked her. She saw a kid—a scared little boy who was trying to be brave. But she also saw someone God had made innocent and capable of expressing love. This was a turning point. Eventually, the two of them became good friends.

After hearing that, I went for a walk by a pond. Out of nowhere, I saw my mother’s face in my mind’s eye, and I was looking right into her eyes. Like that woman, I saw someone God had made to be loving. It dawned on me that my mom was being the best mother she could be. Within seconds, my anger toward her vanished. I could feel her loving me, and I felt so much love for her.

The next time I saw my mom was on Mother’s Day. I could hardly wait to tell her about this experience and to show her how much I loved her. That was three years ago, and we’ve had a real friendship ever since.

The funny thing is that Mom doesn’t act much differently from before. But now I know for sure that she acts out of love. She wants the best for her kids and does what she thinks will help them most. If I start to feel hurt by something she says, I think of God, and how my mom expresses the mothering of God. Science and Health describes the mother we all have: “God; divine and eternal Principle; Life, Truth, and Love” (p. 592). This Mother could never be anything but loving. And our mothers reflect this Mother.

It feels so much better to love Mom than to be mad at her. I’m glad I stopped waiting for her to change, and that I changed the way I thought about her instead.